Dear Haya,
I wanted to ask you about dealing with toxic family members, especially those you live with. As much as I love my sister, I can’t stand her at all. She is one of the most toxic and entitled people I’ve ever come across. She is someone I’m very cautious speaking with as she would never reply politely, instead, she rudely argues over the most irrelevant discussions.
She’s the youngest, so my parents have always been very soft towards her. Her behaviour angers them too, but they never say anything to her because they don’t want her to create a scene about it. They often ignore her attitude to maintain peace at home. But all of this comes at a cost of us being quiet towards her obnoxious behaviour. She would only speak nicely when she wants to, otherwise, we are literally always walking on eggshells.
But now I just can’t tolerate her entitlement and I often lose my temperament. Please help me understand how to keep my cool, since there’s no way I can escape the torture.
— An annoyed older sister
Dear annoyed older sister,
It is incredibly difficult to live with a family member whose behaviour feels toxic and unpredictable, especially when it feels like no one is holding them accountable. I hear your frustration, and I completely understand why you’re struggling. I also hear that no one is doing anything to “maintain peace” at home time but I’m hearing this is disrupting your inner peace, health and mental stability where it has started to take a toll on you. Instead of waiting for the situation to get better, you need to do what you can to protect your health and wellbeing.
Let’s take a look to see what we can do.
The first thing to take into account is that you can neither change the behaviour of others nor can you force your own parents to take action, but you change the way you respond to others around you and the boundaries you set. Instead of thinking how to make her behave better, shift to “How do I make sure her behaviour doesn’t control my emotions?”
Toxic individuals often thrive on emotional reactions. If you react with frustration or anger, she may either escalate or manipulate the situation in her favour. Instead, practice emotional detachment — which doesn’t mean you don’t care, but that you won’t allow her behaviour to dictate your emotional state.
- When she is rude, respond neutrally or disengage altogether.
- If she argues over something trivial, don’t participate in the debate.
- Imagine a protective shield around you — her words bounce off, and you remain grounded.
Since leaving the situation isn’t an option right now, setting boundaries is critical. These don’t have to be big confrontations but small, firm shifts in how you engage with her. Following are some examples of how you can communicate with her.
- Verbal boundaries: “I will only continue this conversation if we can speak respectfully.” Then, walk away if she doesn’t or say, “I will not be spoken to this way”.
- Emotional boundaries: Remind yourself that her entitlement is her issue, not yours.
- Physical boundaries: Spend time in spaces where you feel peaceful, even if that means using headphones, stepping outside, or limiting shared time.
Initially this might feel scary, as you are already feeling like you are walking on egg shells, but as you keep practicing it will get better.
It also sounds like a lot of anger and frustration is pent up within your body. You need to Release your Anger in a Healthy Way. Examples:
- Journal your feelings: Let it all out on paper.
- Move your body: Exercise, go for a walk, or do deep breathing.
- Practice mindfulness: Remind yourself that you choose what you give energy to.
I would also encourage you to communicate with your parents strategically. It sounds like they are also frustrated but unwilling to confront her. Instead of pushing them to take action express how you are feeling. Let them know you understand that they don’t say anything to her to keep the peace, but this environment has started to impact your health negatively.
At the end of the day, she is who she is. You need to accept that. The more you resist who she is, the more emotionally exhausting this will be for you. Instead of wishing she were different, try accepting:
- This is who she is, and I don’t have to let it affect me.
- I won’t engage in power struggles I can’t win.
- I can create peace for myself, even if she doesn’t change.
I know this is tough, and I truly admire your awareness and willingness to seek guidance. But remember, your peace is in your hands, not hers.
Goodluck!
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.
