Dear Haya,
My mom is struggling with high levels of anxiety and depression. She has been prescribed medicines by the doctor, but they don’t seem to be working so far. However, my mother says she feels better when she talks.
I’m really worried about her condition and wonder why the meds aren’t working. While it’s a relief knowing there’s some escape for her when she expresses her feelings, but given my busy schedule, I feel very guilty for not being able to spend enough time with her.
Do you have any suggestions on how to navigate this situation?
— A concerned daughter
Dear concerned daughter,
When someone is experiencing anxiety and depression at the same time, their nervous system is being pulled in different directions at the same time.
Anxiety is an activated state often driven by fears and worries of the future and depression is a shut down state fuelled by low mood, lack of energy, withdrawal and feelings of hopelessness.
So, your mom may be swinging between feeling overwhelmed and then feeling emotionally depleted. That combination can feel frightening and exhausting, not only for her — but for the family that loves her as well.
The best treatment for anxiety and depression is holistic.
I’m hearing that you are deeply concerned for her wellbeing and would like to spend more time with her but are not able to due to your own personal limitations.
Let’s unpack and look at some things you can consider.
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Follow up with her doctor
Medications take time to come into full effect (at least 4 to 8 weeks) and it’s possible the medication may not be showing the full effect yet, it takes time. Follow up with her doctor and let them know the status on medication, and sometimes even the dose or type needs adjustment.
If she is in her early stages of treatment, it might be too soon to judge but if it has been a while then it would be essential to go back to her doctor and let them know.
Get a second opinion
Sometimes it can be beneficial to get a second opinion from another doctor to align and confirm the right course of action.
Start talk therapy
Your mum saying she feels better when she talks is reflective of what maybe helpful. It shows that she likely needs therapy and counselling in addition to medication. Medication and therapy work well together.
Encourage and initiate some form of activity
Gentle physical activity, for example, walking (especially outdoors) is a great form of releasing what is stored within. It is a powerful tool in supporting anxiety and depression because it boosts nuero chemicals in the brain such as dopamine that increases pleasure; serotonin that stabilises mood and endorphins that act as natural anti depressants. They also support in regulating the nervous system activating the parasympathetic rest and digest mode.
About the guilt. I hear two things in your guilt. Firstly, that you’re worried about her well being, and secondly, you feel guilty you can’t be there as much as she needs you.
That is an incredibly difficult position to be in. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. You love her deeply, care about her, want to protect her but you’re also recognising your own limits. That is not selfish — that’s honest. Please know, there is no one way to support a loved one, if you’re not able to give them the time you’d like and that’s okay, as there are other ways you can support her. For example, take her to the doctor, find a therapist for her, go with her for a 15-20 minutes walk three to four times a week. Start here and see how that goes.
Remember, you’re already doing something profoundly supportive, you’re noticing, you’re caring and you’re seeking help. That matters. Be compassionate with yourself as you move through this time with her. She doesn’t need you to fix everything, she just needs to know she’s not alone.
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]
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