Dear Haya,
My fiancé and I have been engaged for around six months now. He’s a good guy and is very caring towards me, but a little too emotionally clingy at times. I’m not being ungrateful, but his nature can get really irritating sometimes.
I like him enough to have agreed to marry him and we get along quite well. I obviously also see a future married to him. But his clingy behaviour gives me the ick at times, so much so that I feel like reconsidering my decision. This is an arranged set up, so there’s not much room for me to do that. I also feel like I’m being a little too dramatic sometimes, but it’s tough to explain how annoying it can get.
I want to know if it is okay to feel this way and whether it is normal in a relationship like this. I don’t want to stay confused and annoyed for such a trivial issue. How do I work around this?
— A conflicted bride-to-be
Dear conflicted bride-to-be,
I want to reassure you that your feelings are completely valid. It’s normal to feel irritated or overwhelmed when a partner’s emotional needs don’t align with your own. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship — it just highlights a difference in how you both express and receive love.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your fiancé is affectionate and caring, but his level of emotional closeness feels excessive to you at times. This could be a matter of differing attachment styles — perhaps he leans towards anxious attachment, seeking reassurance and constant connection, while you may value more emotional independence. Neither is right or wrong, but they do require balance to prevent resentment from building.
When it comes to relationships no one is perfect. But yes, there are people who are more right for us and some that are more wrong for us. How do we know that? By knowing ourselves first and knowing what our non-negotiable needs are. When you know your own non-negotiable needs, you are able to know what’s good for you and what isn’t. The rest you tolerate.
Now coming to your specific issue, does this clash with your non-negotiable needs? Is this something that is a deal breaker for you? How much space is this consuming for you? How much of a weightage does this issue hold for you?
What is this ick triggering in you? I would get curious about that.
Second, we assume that our partner will just know what is up with us. But in reality, nobody knows until we don’t communicate with them and tell them. You are responsible for letting your partner know how you feel.
For example, you could let him know that while you appreciate his love and attention, you also need space to feel like yourself.
Use “I” statements. For example, you can say: “I love how caring you are, but I also need moments of independence to feel my best in the relationship.”
The way you express yourself matters.
Moreover, assess the bigger picture. Beyond this irritation, do you feel respected, safe and emotionally supported in this relationship?
Once you’ve expressed how you feel start putting your needs into practice. Experiment with setting small boundaries. For example, scheduling solo time or independent hobbies. Observe how he responds — does he respect your space or becomes clingier? This will tell you a lot about how adaptable he is to your needs.
Lastly, remember, you are responsible for getting your needs met and establishing boundaries that support your well-being. It’s perfectly normal to experience doubts and frustrations — even in the healthiest relationships — because no relationship is flawless.
The key is to assess whether this is something you can work through together or if it signals a deeper incompatibility, especially given that marriage is a long-term commitment where both of your needs must be honoured. With regards to your question whether it’s okay or normal to feel this way, remember that your experience matters. The fact that these feelings are weighing on you and causing you to reconsider isn’t trivial at all — it’s a sign that they deserve your attention and care. Honour how you feel.
Sending you clarity and confidence.
Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
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