Dear Haya,
I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed, extremely confused and need some sincere guidance on the issue I’m dealing with. My parents, especially my mother, want me to marry to my cousin.
For context, I was earlier in a relationship with someone who betrayed me and after that episode, I promised my parents that I’ll only focus on my studies. But some time after that I was approached by someone else who got serious about our future together and has even informed his own family about us. However, there are cultural differences between us, which may not be acceptable to my family. Another issue is that I’ll soon graduate and he still has three semesters to go.
I haven’t yet spoken with my parents about him, but there’s no way I’d marry my cousin. With my graduation approaching and our life stages being so different, how do I make my case with my parents and convince them to consider the person I’m in love with? Please give me some advice.
Dear anon,
First of all, breathe. You are carrying a lot at once — conflicting loyalties, fear shaped by a past betrayal, pressure of decisions that feel time bound, your parents wishes, your current reality leading to confusion and overwhelm.
I sense one clarity you strongly hold— you don’t want to marry your cousin. That clarity matters, even when everything feels messy, knowing what is non-negotiable is grounding.
While I cant tell you what to do, we can explore things that you can consider.
Separate urgency from pressure
Your parents pressuring you to marry the cousin is about their timelines and sense of security. Decisions made from pressure often lead to resentment later. You are allowed to say, “I am not ready right now or don’t want to decide right now”.
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Prepare before you convince
Before you introduce the person you love, it would be beneficial to establish that marrying your cousin is not an option. Do this without bringing the other person in. This will help your parents hear your autonomy, rather than reacting defensively to comparisons or cultural fears.
Build your own inner clarity
Are the cultural differences and being younger okay with you? This will help you separate your beliefs from your parents beliefs.
Address your parents’ fears
When you do speak about the person you love, frame it in a way that your parents can emotionally digest it. Acknowledge their concerns after your past betrayal, share what is different this time, be honest about the life stage gap, but also explain how you are thinking about it realistically and not impulsively.
Timing matters
Have this conversation when emotions are regulated, not during conflict, pressure, or comparison with other proposals. One calm conversation is better than many emotional ones.
Honour your truth
You are not choosing between your parents and your partner, you are choosing to honour your own inner voice. You can respect your parents and choose not to abandon yourself.
Start here and see where this goes. Be gentle and steady, there is no rush no matter how urgent others may make it seem.
Best wishes,
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
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