Dear Haya,
I was a topper with high dreams and aspirations in life. Then something happened and somehow from being an ambitious and confident person, I turned into an average or maybe a below average student. My energy dipped.
I’ve turned into a dull person and physically weak. My body aches and feels tired, and I’ve lost weight. Despite medical treatments, I don’t recover properly.
I feel like the gates to opportunities in my life have closed. I don’t know how I will survive. I just feel useless because I could never achieve anything. Will I ever be able to do so? My self-confidence has shattered. I can’t show people my real and unfiltered self without makeup. I wasn’t like that. I don’t know how to be like my old self or maybe turn into a better new person. Please help!
— A dejected human
Dear dejected human,
Thank you for sharing your struggles in such an honest and transparent manner. From what it sounds, you’ve been carrying a heavy weight both physically and emotionally. I hear you feel disappointment in yourself, feeling the contrast between where you were and where you find yourself today.
You’ve mentioned that you feel tired and fatigued despite medical treatments and “something happened” which seemed to trigger this decline. What was that? And what impact did that have on you? Sometimes, a significant event, even if we try to suppress it, can leave a deep imprint on the mind and body. When we go through such incidents, our body and nervous system can go into survival mode. We may have suppressed the pain, but the body keeps the score. Prolonged stress can show up as fatigue, low energy, loss of motivation or even physical pain. At times, it could also develop into anxiety or depression — both of which must be diagnosed by a professional.
Your mind and body are not betraying you; in fact, they are giving you signals that something within you needs care and attention.
I’m also hearing you describe yourself as “useless” because you haven’t achieved what you hoped for. But I’d like to pause and reflect here. What does achievement mean for you? Is it career, milestones, recognition or could it also be resilience, healing or the courage to keep going despite pain? Just because you haven’t yet achieved the goals you set out for yourself doesn’t mean you wont achieve anything at all. Sometimes, when we are in a cycle of exhaustion and self doubt it can feel impossible.
Your struggles with makeup reflects something deeper — it speaks about self worth. The belief and feeling that you are not enough without it. I also hear that it wasn’t always like this and you’ve recently started feeling this way. Get curious about what has changed for you, what has brought about this drastic shift?
Here’s what I would recommend you to start with:
Self acceptance and recognising your emotions
The first thing is to acknowledge and accept where you are at in life right now. Not where you were, not where you wish you were but where you are today. When we accept our situation for what it is, it is only then can we do something about it. True confidence comes with self acceptance of where you are instead of fighting against it.
Grieve
Allow yourself to mourn the version of life you thought you’d have. Grief is part of making space for new growth.
Build self trust
When we are at a point in life when everything feels impossible, we need to work on building self trust through small consistent actions. Doing what you say you will do, for example, taking a short walk or eating one nourishing meal through the day. Slowly this will re establish the belief that you are capable and reliable.
Reframing and mindset shift
If you haven’t achieved any goals doesn’t mean you never will. It’s just that you haven’t achieved them yet. Opportunities are not closed doors, they don’t come with expiration dates. They can be created and rediscovered at any point in life. Many people feel lost for a time, only later to find paths that aligned more closely with their values and strengths. What matters is staying open and curious about what could come next.
Focusing on physical health
When things aren’t going our way, an effective way is to focus on the basics. Sleep, nutrition, hydration and movement. These can go a long way in supporting us in getting better.
Create a vision board
Take some time out to realign what you want to do, your goals your aspirations. What does your ideal self look like? What are they doing? This can help you reconnect with your aspirations and create a roadmap to achieve them.
Seeking professional support
Many times, we keep doing things by ourself. Whereas, we need professional support. Seeking support is one of the highest forms of self care and courage. We are not meant to figure out everything by ourselves. There is support out there, we need to be willing to access it. I would highly recommend working with a therapist and getting an assessment done from a psychiatrist to rule out anxiety or depression.
This phase of your life is not about becoming who you are but instead rediscovering who you are now, rediscovering your strength, honouring your story, and creating a version of you that feels authentic, resilient and whole. The path may look different from what you imagined but different does not mean less. Sometimes, it is becoming wiser and more grounded than you thought was possible.
Remember, you only give up when you decide to. Your story is far from over.
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]
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