Dear Haya,
I have been feeling really awkward thinking about this and wasn’t sure how to deal with this situation. I am in a group of six friends at university and one of our friends who, although has a very comfortable lifestyle, tends to ignore pitching in whenever we’re going Dutch. It’s not like she can’t afford it because she clearly spends a lot on herself and it shows.
She always comes up with an excuse to not pay and assures paying later, but that never happens. In fact, sometimes we have to remind her to pay us and that is very very awkward for all of us, especially me because I’d rather be broke than ask someone to return my own money. She is a good friend and I value her friendship, but this habit is in very bad taste, given that all of us somehow always pay our share regardless of whether we can manage or not, but she’s the one who gets away with it.
Can you please advice how to deal with someone like her?
— A frustrated friend
Dear frustrated friend,
That sounds extremely frustrating where it sounds like fairness is taken for granted. It is clear that you value your friendship with her and at the same time need fairness and respect in financial matters — which is totally fair and understandable.
I hear you say how difficult it is for you to ask for money later and it becomes awkward for all of you, but please remember, it is your hard-earned money, and the whole idea of going Dutch is that whoever chooses to be a part of it needs to pay for themselves. Quite fairly, it is not yours’ or your friends’ responsibility to take on someone else’s share, especially when this has become a recurring pattern.
Since this seems like this a recurring habit, and in situations like this it may be helpful to shift from individual reminders to group boundaries to reduce personal awkwardness.
Remember, you can’t always change other people, but you can change how you choose to respond — and that often leads to a different outcome.
There are a couple of ways you could go about this by setting some simple, clear boundaries. For example:
- Create a group chat with all the friends attending. Clearly communicate the plan — where you’re meeting, the time, and that it’s Dutch, with a gentle reminder for everyone to bring enough cash.
- You could choose places where everyone pays upfront — maybe a café or a counter-service restaurant where you order and pay before sitting down, where everyone needs to pay for themselves.
- Politely decline covering for her if she asks. You could say something like, “I’ve only brought cash for myself today!” No need to over-explain.
- Use the group chat to tag her if needed, politely reminding her whom she owes the money to and how much, and also share the payment details on the group chat — it keeps the communication neutral and less personal. This could be done by you or another group member. You all can mutually discuss and decide amongst yourselves.
- If the habit still persists, considering she is a good friend of yours and you value your friendship, it would be helpful to speak to her directly, gently but clearly stating how you feel, the impact it is having on you, on the group, and way forward.
Real friendships allow space for open conversations and healthy communication about uncomfortable topics.
You can value someone and still expect respectful behaviour. A true friendship should be able to handle gentle honesty.
Last but not least. You are not responsible for catering to anyone’s bad habits at your own expense. Setting boundaries and clear expectations isn’t an attack or something that should damage friendships — it’s an act of self-respect that protects and strengthens them.
Good luck and best wishes!
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
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